Gratitudes

I have been extra grumpy possibly because of:

1. delayed reaction to cancer experience
2. sudden-death menopause
3. exotic post-op infection
4. hurricane-force antibiotic
5. decision to go off pain pills because dang! they're getting to be a little too nice

so I decided to count my blessings, which always helps:

1. cancer contained and removed and now miles away in some pathology lab
2. NO MORE BLEEDING! I haven't celebrated this enough yet. I am grateful, grateful, grateful for no more tampons, no more pads, no more accidents, no more "I've got to stay next to a restroom," no more soaking underwear in cold water, no more flooding when I stand up, no more black trousers only, no more jumping out of bed for the bathroom in the middle of the night (well, the hurricane-force antibiotic keeps that going, but only for 9 more days)
3. John, my support , friend, and lover
4. my beautiful garden which I spend hours in every day, thanks to Amy, Jamison, and John
5. water retention over with (I weighed 18 lbs more when I came home from the hospital than I did when I went in four days earlier--now it's gone)
6. light at the end of the tunnel--swimming at the BYU pool! walking around the block or up to the cemetery! hiking! camping--even backpacking!
7. Chris, who is just--it's like living with a young Jim Morrison, an aesthetic experience in and of itself.
8. my psychotherapy practice and patients I'm starting to miss.

I have a great life. Maybe that's the main point--I have a life. Three times now I've made it into more years via surgery, brutal, hacksaw treatment that it is. I'm grateful for that.

Why Can't It Be Over?

A few problems post-surgery, after being so careful with my carbs and blood pressure and resting and taking my meds right and being appropriately active, etc. Dang. I'm hoping it will all resolve with new antibiotics. I wonder if my labile moods are due to the instant menopause. I haven't noticed any other symptoms though--I think I've just reached the end of my rope on this whole thing. Of course if I'm not actually done then I'm not done, it's not like I can quit. But I sure wish I could.

Biopsy

My Cylon gynecologist came by this afternoon and said, "let's check to see if your biopsy results are in," and I didn't even have time to get scared. The endometrial cancer had formed a 2 cm tumor inside the uterus, and had penetrated 2 mm into the 3 cm uterine muscle wall, so it wasn't Stage 1a, but it is close. The edges of the tumor were distinct, including where it had invaded the muscle tissue, which is good, and the cancer cells were grade 1, which is also good. There was no evidence of cancer in the ovaries, fallopian tubes, cervix, abdominal cavity, or lymph nodes.

My Cylon gynecologist said that she thinks they got it all, although she'll have to check with the cancer specialist who helped with the surgery. She doesn't think I'll need further treatment--surgery, radiation, or chemotherapy. Amy was with me and asked all the sensible questions, as I was not quite comprehending what was going on. Abdominal surgery is a giant pain, like getting bayonetted in the gut, and I have been sick for awhile (that's why I'm not home yet), but hopefully tomorrow I will be home with everything functional that I wanted to hang onto, but cancer-free.

And uterus-free, the added bonus. 'Course now I get instant menopause, but that's a small price to pay. Uterus, you served me well but I'm glad to retire you.

A Medical Aside

I went to the hematologist at UVRMC on Monday, and he said he doesn't think I have an anticardiolipin antibody problem (although I do have the antibodies and test "moderately positive") because I have no evidence or history of a clotting problem. He said he would send an email to the blood guru in SLC to ask about precautions with surgery or cancer treatment. He was the one who called him the "blood guru," which is kind of reassuring, actually.

I have another appointment with my Cylon gynecologist on this coming Monday to talk more in depth about diagnosis and treatment options.

I keep thinking all this stuff about blood and illness and cutting and femaleness and so forth is very linked to the whole vampire/werewolf world.

Big Pharma/Big Med Research Protects Its Own...

...from someone disclosing the symbiotic relationship between drug companies and researchers (the Wall Street Journal via Crooked Timber):

The Journal of the American Medical Association, one of the world’s most influential medical journals … , says it is instituting a new policy for how it handles complaints about study authors who fail to disclose they have received payments from drug companies or others that pose a conflict: It will instruct anyone filing a complaint to remain silent about the allegation until the journal investigates the charge.

The JAMA editors said Dr. Leo was guilty of a “serious breach of confidentiality” by writing about the problems with the JAMA study while the medical journal was still investigating the matter.

[JAMA editor] “flat out” threatened him and attempted to bully him during the conversation....“He said, ‘Who do you think you are,’ ” Dr. Leo said. “He then said, ‘You are banned from JAMA for life. You will be sorry. Your school will be sorry. Your students will be sorry.”

As per Crooked Timber comments,

Biz is biz.

Medical Report*

I've become organized! Unfortunately, that seems to mean less time for blogging. Not that my organized phase is apt to last very long, given my history.

The IHC diabetes management people kept calling and sending letters telling me to come in for my education Tuesday Wednesday Thursdays--afternoons or evenings!--but since that's when I have my office hours I just gave up on it. They are persistent, however, and scheduled me in my own 3-hour slot to talk to a nutritionist and a diabetes specialist. It was actually quite inspirational. I'm not technically diabetic, but borderline, with some chance of keeping my glucose levels down by "lifestyle" changes, and not having to take meds. They gave me (or charged DMBA for, no doubt) a cute little purple glucose tester that is the coolest toy ever. My doctor said check two or three times a month, but it's a lot more fun to do it twice a day, with its techie little chip-strips. Yesterday at the farm we all tested our blood sugar levels. Mine remain borderline. Maybe it takes more than ten days watching my carbs before I get it under control. I have lost the holiday 7 lb weight gain though. Yikes! Seven lbs! That was a lot of cookies!

And, I am noncompliant with my blood pressure meds. I bought another cute little computerized techie toy at Wallgreens, a blood pressure monitor, and despite the various meds--beta blocker, calcium channel blocker, ACE whatever inhibitor--my blood pressure was still incredibly variable. I read some post or something about some non-Big Pharma-funded study which showed that of all the BP meds, diuretics alone worked as well or better than the expensive drugs. So I just quit. And my BP seems the same if not better. It still ranges a little too far up there at times--no more than it did before with the meds--but maybe with my current (organized) diet and exercise it will come down on its own.

OK, boring stuff over.

*This post is for middle-aged people or older, or for people who are very interested in my health--my life insurance beneficiaries perhaps.

Money Money Money Drug Money

This properly belongs on my psych blog, but I'm having problems posting there, so here it is: a review of the tight, mutually beneficial, and corrupt relationship between medical practitioners and the pharmaceutical companies. Sit in any doctor's waiting room for an hour and you'll observe a visit by a happy drug rep bringing presents for everyone in the office. Some corruption is so brazen that it is hard to believe what you see with your own eyes. Ambien (Diovan, Lexipro, Abilify, etc. etc. etc) anyone?

Not to Snark on Only ONE Facet of the Legal Drug Industry

...I am also not a fan of our Utah home-grown network-marketing Orrin Hatch-protected "natural" "organic" "alternative" "homeopathic" "dietary supplement" drug-producing cottage industry. Not sure why I wouldn't be, since it's free of those interfering governmental regulations like "scientific testing for efficacy and safety" as well as "knowing the actual content of what it is you're selling people to take into their bodies." Like cocaine and steroids, to give only two examples from the workshop yesterday. And sorry for the lack of corroborating links to supporting evidence, but anecdote and testimonial are the highest form of proof, right? So take my word for it!