Quest on this Journey

Fri 1 May 2009 Rowardennan, Loch Lomond (from my journal)

I sort of decided on my mission for this trip, after my indeterminate quest last time (2007) for God and death. This time, it’s: how do I live the life I have? I chose this course, I’m on it, but/and often it feels like it takes too much energy, focus, and work – or more than I’m sometimes willing or able to give. I’m happy with my big decisions. I don’t want to change things. But I become tired and unmotivated. Or I don’t enjoy it. Or I quit working as hard as the course requires. Or I become filled with angst or whatever.

Do I really want to go forward with things as they are? If God and death do approach me (and at my age there are always little scares at the MD checkups etc.) I would think my life the best possible and look back on it with a terrible nostalgia. So why don’t I feel the gratitude and enjoyment now? Why wait until the peace and continuity are gone to appreciate them?

One of my problems or characteristics is being easily scattered. Possibly fallout from the constant vigilance I learned with motherhood.

Sat 2 May 2009 Rowardennan (from my journal)

So how to live one’s life – the life one chose – with love, joy, confidence, and energy to the very end? John says, ebb and flow. Mindful downtime, allowing for the scattered focus and diffused responsibility inherent in the structure of my life. Flexibility. Maybe simply planning everything to take twice as long as seems likely at first. My goals now are more process goals than end goals. But what does that mean? How does it change the method?

I think in order not to become completely obsessive/compulsive, I have to write down what I need to do, so I don’t feel I have to hold it all in my brain at once. Maybe I can use the idea of the spiritual creation prior to the physical creation. But don’t get frantic if it doesn’t work. I tend to think about planning too much. On the other hand, it’s way easy to have days, weeks, and years pass with nothing to show for them, not even happy memories.